Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*

“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

[eulogy]

line?

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.