Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
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[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.