Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
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They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”