Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
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Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
🤔😂😂
My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.