Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
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I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I know this now 😂
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing