BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
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If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.