Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
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Operation Status: 1 min left
Me: Yes! Finally!
*30 minutes later*
Operation Status: 60 mins left
Me: Wait. What?
Me: I have a ninja dog
Just realized after two years that my boss is actually a grapefruit covered in ramen noodles with peanut eyes. Still very afraid of him.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Me: “I gotta do things” …
Body: “you did things yesterday shut up”.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: no sir
0: you were swerving
O: oh, I’m on Twitter what’s your handle
M: yes, I was drinking