@TheWoodenslurpy: BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK... 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
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@ArfMeasures: Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years Me: My driving test went really badly
@david8hughes: [teaching son to brush his teeth] Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
@david8hughes: [first time interrogating a suspect by myself] Me: we know you did it Suspect: did what? Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
@DaddyJew: Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday