BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
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Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.