@TheWoodenslurpy

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

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@Book_Krazy

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

@Proxic0n

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

@mister_blank

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

@Bandersnaaatch

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

@pizzabottle

Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.

@GroovyTasia

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

@ndiquote

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

@Bob_Janke

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

@dafloydsta

FRIEND: Women like an adventure
ME: Okay
[later on phone]
ME: Are you having fun?
DATE: *clearly upset* YOU LEFT ME IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

@Mirimade

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.