BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
You Might Also Like
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.