Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

Me irl

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*

Kids: We want a kitten!

Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.

The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

subtitles are for when you’re eating chips

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

[Outside ER]

Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”

Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason