Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.

Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.

Hank is one in a melon.

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.

I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

handsome & gretel

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere