Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
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Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*
uh oh
*frantically starts flipping through pages*
uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I really had high hopes for this year though
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.