Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
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Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?