Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
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Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Beware…..
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.