Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
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[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
#Thanos #MondayMood
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I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
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If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
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