Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

Appendi
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Appendix

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Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.