Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
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[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
me and the Superbowl rn
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test