Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
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I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.