Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
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When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
What a website
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.