[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
You Might Also Like
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Any refunds available?…
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin