Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

My kids: We’re bored!

Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

good morning

The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.