Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.