Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
You Might Also Like
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95