Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
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hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”