Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

it’s finally my moment to shine

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight

44.65

*click*
44.87

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44.96

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44.98

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44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps