Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

I’m giving up for Lent.

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

I love snow

– People who never shovel

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

Dr: Have you been exercising?

Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.