Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them