*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
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me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
They’re stuck in your pants?
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter