[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
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[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
good morning
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…