Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.