Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton

The struggle is real

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body