Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

Does it…does it take 3 days

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.