Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
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not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.