Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
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me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
I feel seen.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over