Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
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My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.