Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.

Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.

8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?

Me: Ask your mom.

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*

Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*

4: don’t want to talk about it anymore

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”