Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

oh good, now I can stop drinking

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

subtitles are for when you’re eating chips

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent