Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am having an out of money experience.

so i’m at the stock market right

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

a New Yorker reject, for you

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.