Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
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I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Banking tips
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.