Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter

What fresh Hell is this?!?

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

me: I need to buy a train ticket

employee: window or aisle

me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.