Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

#SaturdayBears

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.