Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

i dont have time for this

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka