@Brampersandon_

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

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@ReeseButCallMeV

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

@theshantilly

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

@samdunsiger

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

@patnspankme

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

@MizzusT

Nobody in their forties looks forty, you either look young or like 83

@Reverend_Scott

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

@aissalanis

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.