[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
*slowly pulls gift back*

You Might Also Like


I like sleeping, it’s like death without the commitment.


I wrestled a Gator today

Okay bathed my cat


“How’s the wine?”
“House red?”
*sips, swills, spits*
“Wow it’s got too much body.”
“Sorry, I should have evicted the tenants first.”


COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.


*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*


I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons


GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad


waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect


Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?