[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
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do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
📽️movie date🎞️
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.