I like sleeping, it’s like death without the commitment.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
*slowly pulls gift back*
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I wrestled a Gator today
Okay bathed my cat
“How’s the wine?”
*sips, swills, spits*
“Wow it’s got too much body.”
“Sorry, I should have evicted the tenants first.”
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?