Let’s make it weird.
Dont worry. I’ll start.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
*slowly pulls gift back*
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I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Nobody in their forties looks forty, you either look young or like 83
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut