@Brampersandon_

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

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@iGreenBabe

I like sleeping, it’s like death without the commitment.

@1MeLrO

I wrestled a Gator today

Okay bathed my cat

@FrogAvalanche

“How’s the wine?”
“House red?”
“Yes.”
*sips, swills, spits*
“Wow it’s got too much body.”
“Sorry, I should have evicted the tenants first.”

@chuuew

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

@Darlainky

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

@weinerdog4life

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

@ch000ch

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

@samalmightysam

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?