Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help