-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
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Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*