-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
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SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again