Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”

“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”

*David hangs up*

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”

Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards

[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started