Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it

*cooking omelette for GF*

Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”

Gf: “Sure baby”

*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.