Baller is short for ballerina
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The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.