Baller is short for ballerina
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Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
WTF
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.