Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take 175 photos

One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

What’s dopamine is dopayours.

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.

Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon