Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
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[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.