Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once made a mistake with plurals.

It was an amazing feet.

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]

me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.