Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
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[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family