Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
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Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE