Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
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“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me: