Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
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Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
how to have an accident 101
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!