Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
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I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”