Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
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Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?