Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!

Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.