Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

At a business meeting:

“How about SuperCupid?”

“No, expectations will be too high”

“GreatCupid?”

“Lower”

“Uhhh, OKCupid?”

“Brilliant”

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8

You deplete me

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.