Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

Teacher: define “impossible”

Me: no can do

Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?

Me: doubt it

Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?

Me: I have no idea

Teacher: amazing

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!

everyone else: [cleans]

me: not like that

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

can’t catch a break

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no