Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

The options really are this bad

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

good morning

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.

I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.

My dad.

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name