Banana is the quietest snack
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I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
…..pretty much.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel