banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
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*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
They’re on their honeymoon
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
just pretend nothing happened
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
The opposite of goth is stopth.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers