banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
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Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what