banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
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[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
My inexpensive home security system…
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.