bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
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Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.