Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.

When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog

He’s a ladies man

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”