Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.

Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…

Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?

Nephew: It matches your face!

Me: 😳😳

I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.