Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that