Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
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the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it