Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
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Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
everyone’s a critic
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase